She's The Real-Live Tinkerbell

Well, 8 days into this journey, and things have pretty much started to happen in a two steps forward, one step back sort of fashion. Dasha has blossomed so much in the last four days. This despite the fact that in those days she has had a doctor appt for a check-up that involved four shots for immunizations, a trip to the lab the next day for six tubes of blood to be drawn, and of course, the dreaded dentist trip on yet another day. We also managed to get a chest x-ray in, too. Doctor and dentist visits in Kazakhstan are not for the faint of heart. There is no such thing as pain management or special ways to treat children to ease anxiety there. Of course, she was absolutely terrified at all of these visits, and this time it looks like it was rightly so. We were able to communicate to her that she will not get shots every time she goes to the doctor, that this really was unusual. That still didn't ease her fear when we had to go back two days later to get a tb skin test read. No matter how much I told her that the "drach" (doctor) was just going to look at her arm, she didn't believe me, and actually got down on her knees sobbing at the front door of the doctor's office when we got there. Luckily, I was able to stay true to my word, and all they did was look. Same thing at the dentist office. I had her sit on my lap to get x-rays done while she cried and cried waiting for the pain to start, as this is how it goes in Kazakhstan. What we have found through all of these visits is that she is essentially healthy, but she has a raging tooth abscess for which she is on antibiotics, and that almost all of her baby teeth have been pulled by dentists in the past. At this time, she only has teeth in the front of her mouth, about 8 on top and 8 on the bottom. Three of the remaining teeth are so ravaged by infection that they will actually have to be pulled, along with massive dental work on the remaining teeth. This will be done under general anesthesia, as it will be too painful and traumatic for her to be awake for it. The good news is that (a) according to dental x-rays, she does have permanent teeth waiting to come in all over her mouth, and (b) we have great dental care for her here. The bad news is that (a) it doesn't look like the anesthesiologist in the pediatric dental office is going to agree to do the anesthesia, as it is too risky to put a child under without knowing the medical history, for which we have none, and (b) this means we will have to have it done as outpatient surgery at the hospital, for which insurance will not pay, as there is no "medical reason" for it. Whatever - giving her the ability to eat again without pain is worth every penny and we will happily pay for it. As far as eating goes, she is now really starting to branch out. I took her to the grocery store to have her show me foods that looked appetizing. She loves fruit, and has taken to hording certain fruits each day. For two days, she ate all the bananas she could get her hands on, until she felt comfortable that the bananas were not going to go away. The next two days, she was on a tangerine kick. I think in the last two days, she went through at least 18 tangerines. It is too early to start restricting foods from her, and this is just part of the adjustment from orphanage to family. She needs to learn for herself that food will always be there, and that we will never allow her to go hungry or thirsty again. Heck, since she is only at the 20th percentile for height and weight, she can eat as much as her belly will take day and night for all I care! Also, since she only has front teeth, she is so limited in what she can eat, although she is now starting to try more American foods. Last night she finally let herself try pizza, and it turns out it isn't as yucky as it first looked to her! She scarfed down two pieces right in a row. Just four days ago, I was so worried because she was still eating almost nothing each day. Now she eats all day long, so I think my goal of plumping her out will be met soon! :)

She is really coming out of her shell now, and getting more trustful of us. Trampoline therapy still happens every day, as soon as Amber and Mitchell get home from school. She loves to talk to them out there, both in English and even some Russian. She understands almost everything I say to her now. In the beginning, I would try to say a few things to her in English, and the rest in Russian. Most of the time, the English would result in a blank stare from her. Now I mostly speak English to her, and rarely get the blank stare. She responds appropriately to questions and requests to do things - totally amazing. Yesterday she was jumping on the trampoline and counting to ten out loud in English. I asked the kids if they taught her this, and they said no. She has actually just picked this up on her own. When it is just our family at home, she is happy, laughing, smiling and chatting a little. When other people come over, she definitely gets very shy, but each time it has gotten easier and easier. She is comfortable with her cousins to a point, but she is still pretty intimidated and overwhelmed when too many people are around. Last night was a perfect example. We had a little get-together for Jeff's birthday, and when I told her that we were having a party for Papa, she got a big smile on her face. When she saw that I put on nice clothes and asked what she thought of them, she smiled, but then looked down at the shirt she was wearing and actually said "Hhmmpphh". She marched into her room, opened the closet, and pulled out her Tinkerbell costume (don't ask why she has a Tinkerbell costume - I haven't gotten very good at saying NO to her yet), and handed it to me to put on her for the party. I started laughing and told her it was going to be too cold to just wear that. She gave me a heavy sigh (she'll make a great teenager) and opened her drawer to pull out pink tights and then a white sweater. So she was Tinkerbell for Jeff's party, complete with the Tinkerbell attitude! We thought that she might be okay for the party, since she was so excited about the outfit. Earlier in the day, she had been to her first Chuck E Cheese party. I figured I would spend the party outside with her, and that it would be way to overwhelming for her. I was wrong. She didn't even question the giant rat walking around the place, and had a blast climbing through the big tubes and going down the slide at the end. Go figure. For our party, though, she started out okay, but quickly decided she wanted all these people out of her house and to have her mommy in arms reach at all times.

She is now feeling safe enough with us to really show us her grief. This, too, sounds a little morbid, but she really is grieving the only life she has ever known. It is as if everyone she has ever known in her entire life all died on the same day, and then she got put in an airplane and sent to the moon, where the people all speak a language she doesn't know, eat food she hasn't seen, and have customs and traditions that she doesn't understand. To successfully get through this part, we have to allow her to grieve. At first, she would just shut down around us and not let us see her emotions. Now she is starting to have periods of time each day where she is definitely sad. I hold her and tell her how sorry I am for the things that have happened to her in the past, that I wasn't there for her, and that she hasn't had someone to hold her until now when she felt sad, alone, frightened, or even happy. I tell her over and over again that it is okay to be sad, and that I am sad with her. This morning she actually started sobbing when we least expected it, but we did the same things, and she came out of it just fine. This is just part of the process. It doesn't make it easier to know this, though, when you are watching your child suffer. One day she will know. She will know that she is loved by her parents and family. She will know that we loved her enough to give her a good life and even take her to the doctor and the dentist. She will know that God loves her and even though He didn't form her in my belly, he formed her in my heart and planned every day of her life in our family.

This whole process has been one of complete and total faith. As I was driving in the car with Dasha today listening to a Veggie Tales cd, I looked in the mirror to see her singing along to the song "You are Holy". To see her little face totally engaged in singing the words "You are Lord of Lords, You are Kings of Kings, You're the Living God, You're My Saving Grace, You will Reign Forever, You are Ancient of Days" really just struck a cord somewhere deep in my heart. Of course, she does not know what that means yet. What I know, though, is that God did plan every day of her life and every day of this process. Dasha did not and could not have chosen us. We chose her. There is nothing that she has done, can, or could do to earn our love. Our love for her is completely unconditional, and has grown exponentially since the day we met her. Our relationship will definitely have ups and downs, and will be tested many times over before she reaches adulthood. Just as we called Dasha to join our family, God calls all of us to join His. God chose us, through the resurrection of His son, to be a part of His family, living with unconditional love if we choose to be a part of His family. Bringing Dasha into our family pales in comparison to what God has done for us, but the experience has been one that has really reminded me of how lucky and grateful I am. I hope this day finds every one of you happy and blessed!