The Darkness Brings the Demons….

It’s 11:45 pm on Saturday November 25, 2006. We just had our second Thanksgiving dinner. As Kim wrote on Thursday, we have dinner at my mom’s home and on the following Saturday we drive to Kim’s Uncle Steve and Aunt Carol’s home in Ventura. They have an amazing home on a large lot. The kids have been looking forward to this trip for over a month. We were worried that Dasha would not be able to handle the trip, the dinner (as there are about 20 to 25 people) and every that goes along with it. Since Thursday’s feast went so well, we decided to make the two hour drive to Ventura. It would have been easy to stay home, but we didn’t want to let Amber, Mitchell and Jacob down. Besides, we’ve already blown the whole isolating for the first month thing anyway. Dasha doesn’t seem any worse the wear, in fact, I would contend that she’s better for it.

The dinner was great, the kids played hard, we watched American Football, not to be confused with the European Football (soccer) that CNN Europe decided to torture me with while in Kazakhstan. USC did a fine job kicking the lights out of Notre Dame’s National Championship bid….I know, what about the darkness.

Dasha has made such amazing progress in the last five days. She plays, she speaks, she runs, she will even give me a kiss on the cheek. As darkness falls in the evening things tend to change. Dasha is not as adventurous, she rarely leaves the line of sight of Kim and is constantly turning on lights. This of course drives me crazy, as every light in our house seems to magically turn on. Dasha’s reaction to the darkness has improved in the last two days. I was worried as we climbed into our car to leave Ventura. It was already dark, and as always, we expect the unexpected with her. We put the movie Elf in the DVD player hoping she would enjoy the movie. It worked, she started smiling and even laughed in the car, that’s never happened. After about 15 minutes, she was sound asleep, and slept the entire trip home.

At this point, I think it’s important to understand what’s been happening at night. As we (primarily Kim) put Dasha to bed the demons come out. We’re told it’s healthy, and I swear my wife is a saint. Dasha begins crying, then screaming and pounding the bed. She cries and screams for “Mama”. Kim is right with her the whole time. Kim knows that she needs to reinforce that Kim is her mama, and will be forever. Kim reinforces that she is here and will always be here. These outbursts last about an hour, beginning as soon as she gets in bed. We are told that Dasha is going through a grieving process. In the morning Dasha is back to being the fun loving kid, with no apparent memory of the prior evenings events.

Generally, Kim has sat in with Dasha during these periods. Tonight, as we got home, I carried her up to her bed. Dasha is light sleeper, and woke as I was carrying her up the stairs. As I laid her down, she began crying for mama. Kim was right there. I then carried Jacob up who was also sound asleep. Put him to bed, Amber and Mitchell went to bed and Dasha kept on crying and pounding her bed.

Jacob, Amber and Mitchell don’t completely understand what their sister is going through. They only know how much she hurts. They try and support her, they understand that mommy is spending a little extra time with Dasha and are okay with it. The other night when Dasha was having a rough time, Jacob asked me why Dasha was so sad? He was afraid she didn’t want to be with us. I told him that Dasha was afraid that she would have to go back to the orphanage. I couldn’t explain to him that Dasha was grieving the loss of her old life, that appropriate anger toward those who had left her and hurt her was coming out or that she was scared because she has moved to a new and strange place. I couldn’t explain that as she lies down at night these demons come out to haunt her. I couldn’t explain to him that it was healthy for her to let these emotions out and purge these demons. His response was pure Jacob, he walked right up into her room and said Dasha don’t worry you’ll be with our family forever, you never have to go back to the orphanage. I doubt she heard him over her cries, but I heard him and thought what an amazing son I have.

Tonight I decided to join Kim, to witness what she goes through every night. It is mind boggling to see our wonderful little child go through all of these emotions. I witnessed her go from sad to angry to scared to bargaining. Kim was so strong. She kept reassuring Dasha, reminding her that she was her mama, forever. Tonight lasted a little over an hour. I was blown away at the ferocity of this little child’s screams. The anguish and pain are almost too much for me bear, how Dasha handles it is beyond me. Did I mention what a stud Kim is through these episodes?

We have no idea how long these outbursts will last. Some say it can last as long as a year! I know God only gives us what we can handle, so I have to let Him take over. I pray for Dasha, I pray these demons go away. I pray that she has a happy and healthy life.

I’m sure some of you are thinking that my use of the word demons is a bit strange, and no I don’t think Dasha is possessed by demons. I mean this figuratively. After witnessing her outbursts it seems to be the best description of what our little angel is going through.

A few months ago Kim and I read about a teenage girl who I think is now in college. She plays baseball and has a great life according to article. She was adopted from Russia (I’m pretty sure it was Russia, but it’s late) at the same approximate age as Dasha. During these difficult times with Dasha, this story gives me hope. All I want is for Dasha to have a great life, no more demons. Perhaps, one day someone will read Dasha’s story and will give them hope as this story has given me.

All I Want for Christmas is......A Fruit Basket


Life with the newest American gets easier and easier as the days go by. Dasha has only been with us two weeks as of today. Two weeks ago, she was a scared, nauseous, silent little girl. She looked so frail and fragile. Today, she is currently running through the house playing hide and go seek with her siblings and daddy. She laughs loudly and shouts through the house - in English! Two weeks ago, we thought it would be months before she trusted us enough to say even one word to us. Today, she talks non-stop, and always in English. I have no idea how she has picked up English so quickly. She seems to understand almost everything we say, and we rarely speak in Russian anymore. Today, I found her in Amber's room teaching Amber all the Russian words for everything in her room. This is the first time I have even heard her speak Russian since she has been home. Amber definitely has the magic touch with her sister, because every time I have asked Dasha how to say something in Russian, she just laughs at me and says, "No Mama!" You have to have some power in your world, right?

Yesterday we had a very low key Thanksgiving, and despite the fact that she has been venturing out to try new foods, she was not the least bit interested in anything that resembled turkey, mashed potatoes, or green beans. That's okay, at least we had plenty of fruit around. In fact, I now have to make trips to the grocery store at least every other day to stock up on all the fresh fruit that I can fit in the refrigerator. We are still in that food stage where she does get the idea that she can eat any time she is hungry, but I don't think that she really believes that there will ALWAYS be food around. As a result, she eats as much of her favorite foods as she can get in her mouth in a day. Lately, that has meant tangerines, apples, pears, bananas, and grapes. I don't mean just a few of these, either. She goes through an entire crate of tangerines in two days, and can eat 6-8 pears or apples each day, too. She is so underweight that I do not mind one bit. Really, at this point, we will continue to let her eat whatever she wants until she starts to get more comfortable and starts wasting food. Then we will set some limits. But for now - EAT!!!!

Today she was so excited when we told her that it was time to put all of our Christmas decorations up. She has been watching the Mickey Mouse Christmas dvd's all week, and now gets the hang of it. Our tradition is to head to South Coast Plaza early on the day after Thanksgiving to vist with Santa and take a picture. We figured that she would not want to participate, but Jacob was very excited, so we went ahead and headed to the mall with everyone this morning. Wouldn't you know it? She wasn't the least bit afraid and just jumped right up on Santa's lap with her little brother, and then even smiled on que for the camera. I guess all those Mickey dvd's did the trick! Jacob had been telling her all morning that he was just going to tell Santa what she wanted so she wouldn't have to be scared. Neither one of them was brave enough to talk when the time came, but if she had been able to talk, I am sure I know what she would have asked for. A couple of night ago, she was sitting on the couch with me while I was flipping through catalogs. The first one I picked up was a fruit basket catalog. She got so excited when she saw what was in the pages. Every page had a bigger and better fruit basket. She excitedly pointed to each one and then pointed to herself and shouted "For Dasha!" The ones that had grapes AND salami were huge hits. It was a little humbling to also have the FAO Scwhartz catalog nearby, and to have her not even be interested in it. Hopefully Santa will be able to come through for her! :)

Tonight she was able to see her new home totally lit up for Christmas, with the tree and all the outdoor lights. All she could say was "Woah", and her eyes got as big as saucers. This is going to be a fun time of year......

She's The Real-Live Tinkerbell

Well, 8 days into this journey, and things have pretty much started to happen in a two steps forward, one step back sort of fashion. Dasha has blossomed so much in the last four days. This despite the fact that in those days she has had a doctor appt for a check-up that involved four shots for immunizations, a trip to the lab the next day for six tubes of blood to be drawn, and of course, the dreaded dentist trip on yet another day. We also managed to get a chest x-ray in, too. Doctor and dentist visits in Kazakhstan are not for the faint of heart. There is no such thing as pain management or special ways to treat children to ease anxiety there. Of course, she was absolutely terrified at all of these visits, and this time it looks like it was rightly so. We were able to communicate to her that she will not get shots every time she goes to the doctor, that this really was unusual. That still didn't ease her fear when we had to go back two days later to get a tb skin test read. No matter how much I told her that the "drach" (doctor) was just going to look at her arm, she didn't believe me, and actually got down on her knees sobbing at the front door of the doctor's office when we got there. Luckily, I was able to stay true to my word, and all they did was look. Same thing at the dentist office. I had her sit on my lap to get x-rays done while she cried and cried waiting for the pain to start, as this is how it goes in Kazakhstan. What we have found through all of these visits is that she is essentially healthy, but she has a raging tooth abscess for which she is on antibiotics, and that almost all of her baby teeth have been pulled by dentists in the past. At this time, she only has teeth in the front of her mouth, about 8 on top and 8 on the bottom. Three of the remaining teeth are so ravaged by infection that they will actually have to be pulled, along with massive dental work on the remaining teeth. This will be done under general anesthesia, as it will be too painful and traumatic for her to be awake for it. The good news is that (a) according to dental x-rays, she does have permanent teeth waiting to come in all over her mouth, and (b) we have great dental care for her here. The bad news is that (a) it doesn't look like the anesthesiologist in the pediatric dental office is going to agree to do the anesthesia, as it is too risky to put a child under without knowing the medical history, for which we have none, and (b) this means we will have to have it done as outpatient surgery at the hospital, for which insurance will not pay, as there is no "medical reason" for it. Whatever - giving her the ability to eat again without pain is worth every penny and we will happily pay for it. As far as eating goes, she is now really starting to branch out. I took her to the grocery store to have her show me foods that looked appetizing. She loves fruit, and has taken to hording certain fruits each day. For two days, she ate all the bananas she could get her hands on, until she felt comfortable that the bananas were not going to go away. The next two days, she was on a tangerine kick. I think in the last two days, she went through at least 18 tangerines. It is too early to start restricting foods from her, and this is just part of the adjustment from orphanage to family. She needs to learn for herself that food will always be there, and that we will never allow her to go hungry or thirsty again. Heck, since she is only at the 20th percentile for height and weight, she can eat as much as her belly will take day and night for all I care! Also, since she only has front teeth, she is so limited in what she can eat, although she is now starting to try more American foods. Last night she finally let herself try pizza, and it turns out it isn't as yucky as it first looked to her! She scarfed down two pieces right in a row. Just four days ago, I was so worried because she was still eating almost nothing each day. Now she eats all day long, so I think my goal of plumping her out will be met soon! :)

She is really coming out of her shell now, and getting more trustful of us. Trampoline therapy still happens every day, as soon as Amber and Mitchell get home from school. She loves to talk to them out there, both in English and even some Russian. She understands almost everything I say to her now. In the beginning, I would try to say a few things to her in English, and the rest in Russian. Most of the time, the English would result in a blank stare from her. Now I mostly speak English to her, and rarely get the blank stare. She responds appropriately to questions and requests to do things - totally amazing. Yesterday she was jumping on the trampoline and counting to ten out loud in English. I asked the kids if they taught her this, and they said no. She has actually just picked this up on her own. When it is just our family at home, she is happy, laughing, smiling and chatting a little. When other people come over, she definitely gets very shy, but each time it has gotten easier and easier. She is comfortable with her cousins to a point, but she is still pretty intimidated and overwhelmed when too many people are around. Last night was a perfect example. We had a little get-together for Jeff's birthday, and when I told her that we were having a party for Papa, she got a big smile on her face. When she saw that I put on nice clothes and asked what she thought of them, she smiled, but then looked down at the shirt she was wearing and actually said "Hhmmpphh". She marched into her room, opened the closet, and pulled out her Tinkerbell costume (don't ask why she has a Tinkerbell costume - I haven't gotten very good at saying NO to her yet), and handed it to me to put on her for the party. I started laughing and told her it was going to be too cold to just wear that. She gave me a heavy sigh (she'll make a great teenager) and opened her drawer to pull out pink tights and then a white sweater. So she was Tinkerbell for Jeff's party, complete with the Tinkerbell attitude! We thought that she might be okay for the party, since she was so excited about the outfit. Earlier in the day, she had been to her first Chuck E Cheese party. I figured I would spend the party outside with her, and that it would be way to overwhelming for her. I was wrong. She didn't even question the giant rat walking around the place, and had a blast climbing through the big tubes and going down the slide at the end. Go figure. For our party, though, she started out okay, but quickly decided she wanted all these people out of her house and to have her mommy in arms reach at all times.

She is now feeling safe enough with us to really show us her grief. This, too, sounds a little morbid, but she really is grieving the only life she has ever known. It is as if everyone she has ever known in her entire life all died on the same day, and then she got put in an airplane and sent to the moon, where the people all speak a language she doesn't know, eat food she hasn't seen, and have customs and traditions that she doesn't understand. To successfully get through this part, we have to allow her to grieve. At first, she would just shut down around us and not let us see her emotions. Now she is starting to have periods of time each day where she is definitely sad. I hold her and tell her how sorry I am for the things that have happened to her in the past, that I wasn't there for her, and that she hasn't had someone to hold her until now when she felt sad, alone, frightened, or even happy. I tell her over and over again that it is okay to be sad, and that I am sad with her. This morning she actually started sobbing when we least expected it, but we did the same things, and she came out of it just fine. This is just part of the process. It doesn't make it easier to know this, though, when you are watching your child suffer. One day she will know. She will know that she is loved by her parents and family. She will know that we loved her enough to give her a good life and even take her to the doctor and the dentist. She will know that God loves her and even though He didn't form her in my belly, he formed her in my heart and planned every day of her life in our family.

This whole process has been one of complete and total faith. As I was driving in the car with Dasha today listening to a Veggie Tales cd, I looked in the mirror to see her singing along to the song "You are Holy". To see her little face totally engaged in singing the words "You are Lord of Lords, You are Kings of Kings, You're the Living God, You're My Saving Grace, You will Reign Forever, You are Ancient of Days" really just struck a cord somewhere deep in my heart. Of course, she does not know what that means yet. What I know, though, is that God did plan every day of her life and every day of this process. Dasha did not and could not have chosen us. We chose her. There is nothing that she has done, can, or could do to earn our love. Our love for her is completely unconditional, and has grown exponentially since the day we met her. Our relationship will definitely have ups and downs, and will be tested many times over before she reaches adulthood. Just as we called Dasha to join our family, God calls all of us to join His. God chose us, through the resurrection of His son, to be a part of His family, living with unconditional love if we choose to be a part of His family. Bringing Dasha into our family pales in comparison to what God has done for us, but the experience has been one that has really reminded me of how lucky and grateful I am. I hope this day finds every one of you happy and blessed!

Bye- Bye Detsky Dom, I'm Never Coming Back!!!!


Where to begin? The last five days have been challenging, to say the least. They have been filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows and everything in between. We spent the morning on Sunday at Disneyland, so Dasha could experience every little princess's dream. She must have picked her outfit out the night before, because when I told her it was time to get dressed for Disneyland (in English, no less), she got a huge grin and ran up to her new room. She flipped the closet open and pulled out a pair of jeans and a cute shirt without hesitating. Have I told you how much she loves her clothes????? We go through about 3 costume changes a day, and I now have to put her hair up in bows and ribbons before we can go anywhere. Such a cute girly girl! At Disneyland, we took lots of pictures at the front entrance, in front of the big Mickey Mouse face made out of flowers. Then we went to the Disney Town Hall to take her picture for her annual pass. We explained to her that she had to smile big, because this pass would let her come to Disneyland over and over all through the year. No problems getting a smile there. We walked down Main Street a little slower than she wanted to, but our coordinators, Vera and Medet were also enjoying THEIR first visit to Disneyland, so there were a lot of photo ops that had to be taken! Once we got to the end of Main Street, her eyes got as big as can be when I told her that we were going to walk through the castle. She was in heaven! We went on the huge carousel first (her request), and then told her we were taking her to a very special ride. We headed to It's A Small World. The day before, the whole park had been decorated for Christmas, and this ride gets completely decked out and changed up a bit for the holidays. The small world song is sung in a little medley with "Jingle Bells". My heart almost burst with joy seeing her little face light up as the lights and little dolls sang and danced for her. She kept grabbing my arm and pointing to the different things that she saw with delight. At one point, she was even swaying to the music and mouthing the words. A perfect experience. We went on several more rides, including the teacups - apparently motion sickness doesn't exist at Disneyland. We got ourselves lulled into thinking that this was not going to overwhelm her at all, as we had originally worried about. We were wrong. We took her on a Star Wars ride after having Vera explain everything about the ride and exactly what to expect. She took great care to explain that it was all pretend, and even though it would feel like it was real, it wasn't. Dasha said that she understood and that she wanted to go on the ride. Bad idea - turns out that children that have lived their lives in an orphanage have not really had the opportunity to go through the developmental stage that lets you differentiate fantasy from reality. She was terrified and clung to me as I told her in Russian over and over that it was alright, it was not real. I felt like the worst parent on the planet after that. Can you believe that I actually had the approval of two countries, social services, state police, the FBI, AND the INS to protect this child, and this is what happens???? Heck, as a psychiatric nurse, I even ran a children's psychiatric unit - I really should have known better. I was just so thrilled seeing the smile on her face and hearing her laughter that I didn't want it to end. After that, we took a break and had a little lunch. Once she stopped shaking, she got brave enough to try a food that she hadn't tried before - french fries. She loves french fries, so we now have about 5 foods in her repetoire.

Once that was over, she seemed to be okay, and actually started crying when it was time to leave, so I guess I didn't completely scar her for life. That evening was spent trying to be mellow. She loves the trampoline in our back yard, and we found out that it is the "great communicator". All four kids get on the trampoline and make up silly games that involve yelling out words or each other's names. Guess who yells the words out the loudest? That's right - looks like the quiet one actually does like to talk. She just needed the encouragement of her brothers and sister to bring it out of her. Up until this point, she was still not talking to Jeff or me, though. I decided to run to the grocery store to get a few things while Jeff and the kids were playing - another bad move. Apparently while I was gone, Jacob got hurt and started crying. This made Dasha nervous, as she saw Papa comforting Jacob, but not Mama. Jeff said it looked like she got so nervous that she got down off the trampoline and made a beeline for the house, probably to come get me. She was going so fast that she didn't see the screen door and ran right into it. This was all it took to throw her over the edge. Jeff had both kids on his lap, crying and crying. She took this opportunity to say her first words out loud to us. You will never guess what she said to Jeff while I missed the whole thing - she said "Mama". Jeff called me right then and there and told me I had better run through the store and get home. He put the phone up to her ear so I could talk to her and tell her in limited Russian that I was going to be right home and that I loved her. When I got home a few minutes later, she came running out to me and gave me the biggest hug of all time. That night she fell asleep on my lap and had the best sleep she has had since being home.

On Monday afternoon we took a trip to the beach so Dasha could see the ocean for the first time. She is truly Jeff's daughter, as she LOVED the beach. It was so much fun to watch her put her toes in the ocean with Amber and build sand castles while she tried to get a glimpse of Papa on his surfboard. I am so excited for her to be a little beach bum next summer - she will look so cute in a bathing suit!

Our family has been so sweet and supportive. They all wanted to get to see her, and we had a little welcome home party for her over the weekend. She is so overwhelmed and terrified by all of the changes in her life that she really didn't enjoy it until the very end when she started playing with some of the kids. Most of the night was spent on my lap and holding my hand. This is totally normal behavior for adopted children, especially children from orphanages. Actually, according to all adotion experts, we really should only be staying in our house with our nuclear family for a few weeks before even introducing her to anyone else. Not going to be able to do that one! I totally understand now, though, the reasoning for this. She is so frightened when people come over. She has no understanding of what is going on and whether or not these people are going to take her to their house, or what is going to happen. I have explained over and over (in Russian), Ya tvaya mama, vseech-da (I am your mama forever), but with the things that have happened to her in the last two years, there is just no way she is going to let herself believe that for a long time. For now, we just work on building trust. I remember years ago studying child development in college. Those stages of development from Erickson, the ones that start at birth with Trust vs. Mistrust, are really true. Orphanage children have not had the opportunity to even get through the first stage, and with Dasha's history of being abandoned several times, by more than one family, it is even more severe. This is why for so many reasons, having her home is so close to having a newborn again. It is very important that she learns to trust her parents to do things for her, everything from getting dressed to feeding her. It sounds silly, but until she is able to experience the nurturing that babies normally get from their parents, she won't be able to complete this stage of development. For now, that includes me putting her clothes on for her, even though she can certainly do it herself, and feeding food to her as often as possible. In the orphanage, children are expected to fend for themselves as infants, so children never learn to depend on an adult for anything. This is the boundary we are crossing now, and are making great strides.

Sleep time has continued to be hard for Dasha. She has never slept in a room by herself, and she is so frightened by the prospect that she just quietly cries as soon as we put her in bed. Of course, I can't let her be terrified, so I have taken to laying in her bed with her until she falls asleep and then going into our room. Five nights into this, she has had three nights where I wake up hearing her cry in the middle of the night and I bring her into our bed, and two nights of sleeping through the night. By sleeping through the night, I mean 4 am instead of 2 am. It is actually kind of sweet to be up with a new child again every day at that time. I know it sounds crazy, but I am one of those people that absolutely loved the early morning feedings with all of my other kids. There is something to be said about the bond that is made between a mother and a child at 4 am. Dasha and I have a regular morning routine for this time now. I take her to the bathroom first, and then we go downstairs on the couch. I get her snuggled up with a blanket and we watch Disney while she eats and drinks. She gives me the sweetest hugs over and over, and now she will even talk to me during these times. She whispers to me, still fearful of saying the wrong thing and having the same thing happen to her that happened before with the other family. I smile and tell her how much I love her, and she grins at me while she hugs me again.

Yesterday was Jeff's 40th birthday. He has been such a trooper this week. I know it is very hard to have a child here that is pretty much attached to my hip and not his yet. Of course, he is the superhero in the family, and he gets all the hugs and laughter, but for now, I am the one that does the comforting. She shows her love for him in different ways, though. I had all of the kids sign his birthday card, and after Dasha saw them all doing it, she jumped right in, too. I asked her to write her name in the card. She has the prettiest handwriting. She wrote "Dasha" in perfect cursive cyrillic. Then she wrote "Papa" on the front of the card, also in Russian. Then she really went to town and started writing all kinds of things on all the empty parts of the card. Some parts she was copying the English that we had written, and some parts she was writing words out of the "First Thousand Words in Russian" picture book. She took such great care in writing and making it perfect for her papa. It was definitely a great gift.

Today our coordinators left to return to Kazakhstan. Before they left, they wanted to take some pictures of all of us. At the end, they told Dasha that they wanted to take a picture of her sitting on her new bed in her new room waving to the camera. They asked if she wanted to say in the picture, "Bye Bye Detsky Dom - I'm Never Coming Back!" She enthusiastically shook her head "Yes!!!" and ran up to her room to get her picture taken with a huge grin on her face. I think she likes it here....

You Know You're A Mother When......


Well, she is finally here! After a completely sleepless night Thursday night waiting for "The Day" to come, we all got up around 5 a.m. Friday morning. This including Amber, our 11 year old that loves to sleep in every chance she gets. All of us were just so excited for the day to finally come that we couldn't get out of bed quickly enough! Of course, that just made the day drag on and on. The flight was scheduled to land at LAX at 3:30, so we decided to head to the airport at 2:00, not knowing what to expect with LA traffic from Orange County on a Friday afternoon. Of course, we got to the airport 15 minutes before the flight landed, mostly due to the fun exuberance of my dad getting everyone out the door and on the road. My parents and Jeff's mom drove up in their car, and the five of us followed. Jeff and I knew that, of course, they wouldn't get through customs all that quickly, since it even took us 45 minutes on the way home from Kazakhstan to get through the process. We were not prepared, however, for the TWO HOUR wait after the plane landed for us to get our first glimpse of Dasha, Vera and Medet coming out of the customs area. We had jockeyed for positions right at the front of the rope so that we could see them when they came out. Of course, the kids got very tired of waiting, and just about two minutes before we saw Dasha come out, Jacob announced he had to go the bathroom for the second time. My dad rushed him to the bathroom, and wouldn't you know it - he had to miss the first moment, but by the time I was done with my giant hug, he was running back. I am so grateful, though, that he offerred to help Jacob, as I don't think I could have handled missing that moment myself. During the two hours of waiting, I was pretty sure that I was actually going to have a heart attack. I am not sure that my heart has ever beaten that fast or that hard. Many of you know that I have a little tackyarrhythmia that makes my heart beat very fast, and for which I have to take medication to slow it down. Apparently this stress was far too much for even a medicated heart to handle, as I really thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest from nervousness. We knew that Dasha was going to be so very scared and nervous herself, and we weren't sure how she was going to be feeling after so many hours of traveling.

My fears and nervousness went away, however, with that first glimpse. What I saw was indeed a very scared and nervous little girl, but a little girl that also recognized us as her mama and papa, and who also ran to me to give me a huge hug. It was so nice to see our coordinators, Vera and Medet, too. They are such warm and wonderful people who took such great care of Dasha during their travels. Vera told me that they found out Dasha has pretty severe motion sickness, and that she had been sick in the car, and then on the airplane had actually thrown up several times. Poor little thing, to go from that to the chaos of LAX and all of us did not settle her stomach. We got to the car to return home at around 5:00, not a great time to be traveling on the LA freeways. We were smack dab in the middle of rush hour traffic when the motion sickness kicked in again. This time it was so bad that Dasha actually threw up in my hands because we didn't have anything in the car to use (wouldn't you know it? The ONE time I had actually cleaned all the junk out of my car). All I could think was "Please God, let us get through this traffic and get home quickly". We did finally make it, after several more throwing up episodes. It was definitely during those moments that I thought to myself how much I really have become her mother already!

Dasha was still wearing the key to our house around her neck - it was the one thing that was not covered in throw up, so we decided to use the front door when we came in the house, as we had planned. It wasn't the shining moment that we had planned it to be, and I don't think she noticed the red, white and blue balloons lining the walkway to the house since it was dark by the time we got home. Still, we were determined to make good on our promise to have her open the door to her forever home when she arrived, so I helped her pull it out from her shirt and held her hand as she put it in the lock. Jeff and I both held her hand as we helped guide it in the right direction, and then helped her turn the knob. We were finally home, and even though Dasha was miserable during the ride home, her mood definitely improved once we came inside. She clutched my hand and led me through the tour of her new home. She really lit up when she saw a picture of her over the mantel, alongside her new siblings. We took her upstairs to her new princess room, and she had a look of absolute amazement when she saw it. When I opened the closet and showed her the closet-ful of clothes waiting just for her, she touched every piece of clothing over and over. Then she saw the rest of the house and smiled.

I quickly decided that a bath was in order, and a change of clothes was a must. I helped her get out of her dirty clothes and showed her how we run baths in our house -with lots of bubbles. She smiled at the bubbles, but didn't want to touch them at first. She let me wash her hair and get her nice and clean. This gave me some great opportunities to tickle her, which we both loved! Then I showed her some of the bath toys, and how to make them work, and that was all it took for the Dasha that we got to know and love - full of fun and smiles - to come out. I thanked God for the opportunity that He had provided at that point. Just when I had thought that we were in for a very difficult road, He used Dasha's motion sickness to help the bonding happen. There is no way that we would have been in the bath that quickly otherwise. After getting her out of the tub and relishing the opportunity to warm her up with a nice, new towel ( thank you Tricia!!!!), we went into her new bedroom and opened the closet. I pulled out some pajamas, but Dasha had other ideas. She shook her head "No" and opened the other side of the closet with all of her pants and shirts. She picked out a pair of pink pants and a cute shirt with a butterfly on the front. I helped her to get dressed and brought her downstairs. From that moment on, she completely opened up first with Amber, following her all around the house and learning how to play with play make-up. That bonding was quickly followed by the bonding with her brothers as a rambunctious game of throwing balls back and forth in the hallway outside of the playroom took place. This was complete with huge belling laughing. Jeff's mom and my mom had prepared this huge feast of food for us while all of this had been going on. All of the adults enjoyed great food while the kids played - far too busy to eat! Soon after, Jeff's mom went home, and my parents took Vera and Medet to their house to sleep. This left us all alone for the first time as a family of SIX. Jeff and I sat on the couch in the living room and just watched all the fun going on. God is good. He led us down this path for a very specific reason. We know that it is going to be very hard. Despite the laughter and fun and hugs and kisses from Dasha, she is still not talking. This will all come in time, and we are truly thankful for this gift that we have received.

Bedtime came quickly thereafter, and it was fun to see everyone getting jammies on, having four kids brush their teeth in the same bathroom, and tucking everyone in at the same time. I thought that Dasha would be so exhausted that she would just crash. Turns out it is actually pretty scary to leave the only home you have ever known, travel through the air in a manner that makes you sick for hours on end, and to end up in a place where you can't understand a word anyone is saying. So no crashing here. I actually snuggled in bed with her for a long while singing the same songs that I sang to Amber and Mitchell every night while they were small, and that I still sing to Jacob every night. This calmed her enough to be able to fall asleep. Around 3 am, though, we awoke to the sound of quiet crying in her room. We both flew out of bed and ran in. She is not used to having adults comfort her, and I know that the idea of it is scary to her. She played a game of possum with me, closing her eyes and pretending to be asleep and not crying while I talked quietly to her. I want her to learn that we are here to comfort her. She does not have to do it herself anymore. We need to build that bond slowly, without scaring her, but we need to push it a little bit. I decided to take this opportunity to bring her into our room and snuggle in our bed with us, just like I have done countless times with my other kids. She immediately got the idea and snuggled into me, but never fell back asleep. Around 4 am she started whimpering and holding her ear. I asked her if her ear hurt, and she shook her head yes, so I took her downstairs and gave her some medicine. Knowing that she is also still on Kazakshtan time, I decided to just stay up with her. She was hungry and showed me that she wanted a banana, which she scarfed right up, followed by juice, a waffle, and more juice. Once she had a full belly, she was ready for smiles again. We cuddled on the couch and watched the only children's show that is on at 4 am - Barney. It was actually kind of soothing, to tell you the truth. There's something about hearing the words, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" with your newly adopted daughter that almost brings tears to your eyes, until you remember the years and years that you were tortured by Barney for hours on end!

All the other kids got up very early again today, ready to start the day with their new sister. Jeff took them all to Starbucks for the Werkmeister family weekend tradition of coffee for mommy and daddy and hot chocolate for the kids. Dasha was not happy once she got outside and realized they were going somewhere IN THE CAR again, but she obliged and was happy it was a very short trip. She's not a hot chocolate lover, we found out, but she made it through the trip! We then took all the kids to the park near our house for some fun on play equipment that is clean, safe and a lot of fun. Something new for Dasha! She loved every minute of it! We have had a busy day already today, with the park, a trip to WalMart, a trip to watch Mitchell's last football game, and then back home to get ready for the big party with the rest of the family tonight. She has been a trooper in the car each time, kind of steeling herself for the trip by closing her eyes to try to not get sick. Each trip has been better and better, so I don't think the motion sickness will be a lifelong affliction - we hope! She fell asleep in the car on the way home, so I took her upstairs to her room for a nap, but she woke up on the way. Even though she didn't complain about getting in her bed for a nap, when I went in a few moments later to check on her she was crying quietly again. I asked her in Russian if she was scared, and she shook her head yes. I took her downstairs again and got her and Jacob snuggled on the couch for a rest period with a Disney Christmas movie. That was all it took and she is currently napping in the playroom on the couch. She is going to be going through an actual grieving process for a long time. As excited as she is to be part of a loving family, and as much fun as she is having laughing and playing with her new brothers and sisters, she is leaving the only life she has ever known. We knew this would be part of the process, but it is heart breaking to watch it unfold. All we can do is just love on her over and over, and let her know that it is okay to be sad. This too will pass. Thank goodness that most of the day is spent happy and joyful, loving every part of her new life, especially her new clothes. I think at last count she has opened her closet and touched all of the clothes about 100 times - looks like she has gotten the shopping/clothes gene from her mommy!

The Waiting…

Tom Petty once sang, “The waiting is the hardest part…”
I’m pretty sure we know what that means. We returned home from Kazakhstan over five weeks ago. It was so nice to be back home, good food, our bed, not sharing a room with our four year old Jacob and best of all seeing Amber and Mitchell.

It took us almost two weeks get acclimated and recover from our trip. We thought when we returned it was all going to be down hill. We were wrong. It seemed every day has been slower than the day before. At the same time, every day has brought new worries. First it was getting through the Appeal period. A fourteen-day period where someone could contest the adoption. I anticipated some random family member making a claim on Dasha and we’d have to pay them off to go away. That was fourteen sleepless nights.

Next came getting a passport for Dasha. Dasha will not become a U.S. citizen until she touches U.S. soil, so she has to travel home on a Kazakhstan Passport. I’m a little unclear, but isn’t the U.S. Embassy considered U.S. Soil? Apparently not when I need it to be. So, we are at the mercy of the Kazakhstan government to get a passport done in a week. No way does this happen in the states, so how can the land of Borat do it?

Sometimes, God likes to remind me who’s driving. As it turns out, the passport appeared exactly one week later (right on time).

The Visa was the next issue. You may or may not remember, but we had gone to the embassy and set up the travel visa while we were in Kazakhstan. I’m not sure what happened, and may never know, but there was a delay. As communication was limited with Vera (our coordinator) we were going crazy not knowing what was going on. Just like the passport, the visa seemed to just show up. It may have been best I don’t know the details.

Originally, we had thought we’d mapped Dasha homecoming to be around the 30th of October. We thought we were conservative.

As we waited, and time moved (slowly) along, airfares began to skyrocket. At one point we were looking at $5,000 a ticket. I don’t want to sound cheap, and if I would have had to pay that much, I would have paid it, but holy-cow! We spoke with the airlines, pleaded our case, and they didn’t care, or maybe they just couldn’t do anything about?

If I was wise, I would have started taking anti-anxiety medications, maybe Valium, Xanax or whatever I could get my hands on. Instead, we rode out the storm with the occasional glass of wine.

We all cope differently. I would have to detach myself from the situation. It would have been impossible to focus on work, so I made myself focus on work and try not to think of my new daughter. It really wasn’t that effective. I think Kim went through the same thing. Jacob has been a trooper. He has been on an emotional roller coaster. Everyday he asks, when is Dasha coming home? I miss her. Daddy, why can’t you go get her? There really isn’t an easy answer to give such monumental questions.

We’ve spent the time creating a Princess room, that Kim, Pam and Amber have decorated and filled with clothes, shoes and toys. I am so proud of Jacob and Mitchell, as they’ve sacrificed having their own room, so Dasha could have her own room. The boys are now sharing a room to make room for the new princess in our house. The boy’s room is now a sports theme room. They seem to be happy, but I know they made the sacrifice for their new sister, with no objection, just enthusiasm.

Now, the waiting is almost over. As I write this Dasha is somewhere in the sky, on her first plane ride, on her way home to her new life. We will pick her, Vera and Medet up from the airport tomorrow at 3:30 pm California (Pacific Standard Time). As time literally inches along, I find myself wondering, what is she thinking about? Is she excited? Scared? Is she sad to leave her friends at the orphanage? Will she remember me? What will her reaction to us be tomorrow? I can no longer detach.

Our weekend is already planned out. Friday we come home, Barb (my mom) and Pam have planned out Dasha’s first American dinner. Saturday, we go to the beach. Dasha has never seen the ocean. We had asked her if she knew how to swim, but she couldn’t comprehend it, and said she’d taken baths. In our house, we go to the beach. One day, I hope to paddle out on my surfboard with all four kids paddling ride along side (a father’s dream). Saturday night, we’ll have the family over, with all of the cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents. I’m not if we can keep them away any longer, as they are all very excited about meeting the newest Werkmeister.

Sunday, as promised, we go to Disneyland. At this point I suspect and hope Dasha blows a fuse with excitement. I can’t wait to experience her reaction to this new world. No more Soviet trains, crazy drivers just Mickey Mouse and Autotopia.

We’ve had such a great response from so many who’ve read our blog. Tonight, I ask for prayers. I pray that I am worthy of this gift God has given us. I pray that her new life is that of a princess and that she knows joy, comfort, security and most of all Love.
Please pray that Dasha safely arrives home. The last word we have, is that she is still clutching her house key…

One more sleepless night, I wish I could get Tom Petty out of my head, only one more day.