Christmas Magic

I don't even know how to begin to describe Dasha's first Christmas. Pure magic really says it best. Christmas in our family starts on Christmas Eve day. We have a huge get together at my parents' house with about 40 family members. It is generally pure chaos and gets louder and more chaotic with the addition of each child to all of the families. It sounds crazy, but the kids and I love it. This year I was really nervous, though, for Dasha to experience it. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. She had a great time!!!! We got there early so that my parents could give their presents to their grandkids before everyone else got there. There's nothing like starting an event with a new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse set to get you in the mood to party, at least for Dasha and Jacob! From that point on, she was outgoing, sociable, and full of energy. She played with all of her cousins, and taught her Aunt Jesi how to hula hoop. She LOVES Christmas!!!

At the end of the day, we headed to Jeff's mom's house to do it all over again. I was sure that we were in for a meltdown at this point. I mean, really, how much can we expect from her? Apparently a lot - she was great there, too, and had a great time playing and opening presents again. When we got home we all put out the cookies and milk for Santa and each kid got to open one present. Of course, I only let them open the package that contained new jammies. Amber and Dasha put on their matching jammies, as did Jacob and Mitchell. We got everyone in bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads - well, all except Dasha. When I was putting her down, she finally broke down crying after all the excitement of the day. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "Mommy no Santa me room", meaning, "I am scared that Santa is going to come into my room". The things that we take for granted lose a lot in translation, don't they? I reassured her that Santa would only be stopping by our Christmas tree to leave gifts and would be quickly leaving. She calmed down and fell asleep.

We tried to convince the kids that we would be sleeping until 7 am before getting up and going downstairs. Pipe dreams - they were up at dawn trying to convince us that the sun was out and it was time. We gave in and started the fun. I wish there were words to describe the looks on Dasha's face when she realized that there were toys for her. I think she really wasn't sure it was going to happen. The little "oohs" and "Mommy looks" that kept coming out of her mouth was a moment I will never forget. It is really corny, but that song "Do They Know It's Christmas" kept going through my head. I just kept thinking, "No they definitely don't!" We are so blessed to have four children this year to share the story of Jesus's birth and life with, and it is so wonderful to be able to share that with Dasha this year. We had gone to church on Friday night before Christmas, and Dasha was with us. Our church was actually broadcast on Fox News this year on Christmas and we watched it over again that day. It was so fun to have Dasha actually recognize HER church. Tomorrow morning she is going to go to Sunday school for the very first time. This will be another big step in her story and I am looking forward to having her experience the love of God this way.

Dasha has really started opening up to us in the last two weeks about her life. She will point out things that she recognizes from Kazakhstan excitedly that she sees here. She is starting to ask us how to say words that she doesn't know, though at this point it seems like there are very few of those. Her English continues to amaze us. Tonight when I was putting her to bed she really brought me to my knees. Out of the blue, she asked me if we were going to go back to the detsky dom to bring home her friend Danil. Danil is the little boy that she danced with in the big production at the orphanage. He really is a wonderful little boy that Jeff and I actually talked about bringing home, too. He has an 11 year old brother and is not yet available for adoption. We were actually in the car leaving the orphanage one day with our coordinators when Danil's grandmother came to the car pleading with our coordinator to find a home for Danil and his brother. Our coordinator told her that she had to give up custody first through the court system and told her how to do that. It was really heartbreaking to witness. I don't know if we could do this again, but I am really hoping that a family is found for these brothers. I told Dasha that Danil's grandmother has still been visiting him at the detsky dom and she hasn't given permission for him to be adopted yet. She told me that she had worked out all the details, and said that she thought he could sleep in the boys' room on a little couch, and that he was a good boy. She said that he doesn't speak English, but she would tell him in Russian what everything was in the house. It was so amazing to see her little spirit coming out. She wants her friends to have a good life, too. I really hope and pray that any families considering adoption would follow their hearts to give a child a better life. Happy New Year to you all!

Happy Feet…

The last few weeks have been full of surprises, laughter and a few tears. Every day Dasha seems to make huge strides. She understands almost everything we tell her in English. She is speaking in English and initiating conversation. She is now even speaking some Russian to us. Although, it’s very limited, Dasha does not want us to think that Russian is her primary language. When I ask her to how to say something in Russia (I ask in both Russian and English), she gets this grin on her face and says, “I don’t know Daddy.” I believe her anxiety of being returned to the orphanage has diminished greatly. However, I believe she still has a small voice in the back of her head telling her not to let us know that she doesn’t speak English fluently. I can’t imagine what must go through her head. She is now affectionate towards me, when I come home or am leaving for work, she calls out “Daddy.” And runs over to give me a hug. It may not sound like a lot, but it’s a huge step.

As we are learning to be a family we have all faced challenges. As a father, I find I can’t set limits the same way I do with Jacob, Amber and Mitchell. I’m finding I have to teach Dasha what a father does and what he doesn’t do. I often wonder what her interpretation of what a Papa is supposed to be. I wonder, what has been her experience? Then I think, it’s best I don’t know sometimes. All I can do is pray for guidance. I think every father prays for guidance, but this is new territory for me. I have to separate myself from the situation and remember that Dasha does not have the same experiences as Amber, Mitchell and Jacob.

Right now, Jacob is having the most challenges. As with any new child coming into the home, he is giving up some attention. He and Dasha have a sibling rivalry that is almost comical, if it wasn’t so frustrating. In general, it focuses around Kim. If Jacob and is doing something with Kim, Dasha tries to work her way in. If Dasha is doing something, Jacob has to get in on the action as well. I think it’s a bit exhausting for Kim. She refers to it as “The Night at the Roxbury” as both kids are bouncing her on each side. The interesting thing is that both kids really like each other. Jacob told my mom, “When I was in Kazakhstan, I wanted to bring home a new baby brother. But when I saw Dasha, I decided I wanted to bring Dasha home instead.” He continues to tell me how much he loves her. When the two are playing together, they seem to have so much fun. I’m guessing the rivalry will go away eventually. For now, we’re just trying to show each kid how much we love them, and show Dasha that Mommy has enough love for all of her children.

Last weekend, we decided to take Dasha to the movies. We have put this off, as she get’s scared when we turn the lights off. So, we went to see, Happy Feet. A strange animated penguin movie. As a side note, this movie was a little weird, it seemed to me the whole premises was these penguins were trying to get some action? Or should I say find a mate? Dasha did great, and really enjoy the movie. Now we have to teach her about the cost of going to the movies. She told us the next day that she wanted to go to see the penguin feet…

The next big hurdle was letting Dasha watch some of the videos from the orphanage. We’ve gone back and forth on this topic. Kim finally showed her the video of her show where she’s dancing. She loved watching it and even swayed and sang along with the TV. I asked her what the names of the kids were on the TV, she responded with a grin, “I don’t know.” Heck, I knew their names, but wanted to see how she’d respond. Still not over the fear yet.

Christmas is this weekend. Dasha has now learned about Christmas thanks to Claymation movies such as Rudolf, Frosty and Santa Claus is coming to town. Kim reads her and Jacob the story of Jesus at night. So, she knows about Jesus, at least the baby Jesus. She knows about Santa Claus (I wish I could write how she pronounces it, it’s like the Count from Sesame Street might say his name) and even knows who Rudolf is. She understands, that there will be presents. I don’t think she’s convinced Santa will bring her presents, though we keep telling her he will, she told me two weeks ago in her own way, that he hasn’t come to her before, so why now? Anyone have an answer for that? Bueller? Anyway, I told her I had spoken with Santa, and he assured me he would bring her gifts and that he’s been looking for her and now that he knows where she is, with her family, he’ll be coming. I have no idea if she understood, but she said okay. Christmas morning should be fun.

Dasha is not shy around the house. She now dances around, plays and on occasion beats up her brothers (both of them). Orphanage kids are pretty tough. She now speaks as often as any of our children. In public, when speaking with strangers, she is quiet and shy still. I’m actually okay with that. I don’t want her talking to strangers. It must be confusing figuring out who everyone is. She knows her grandparents by sight. She knows her cousins, uncles and aunts. For now, that’s good enough..

In closing, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope God has been as good to you as he has to us.

Watches and Mommy Socks


Well, my first week back at work went just fine, and so far, the second week is going well, too. We were prepared for the worst when I last posted, the night before my first day back at work. I spent most of that weekend working with Dasha on what she could expect to happen at different times of the day while I was gone. I gave her one of my watches to wear, and we made a chart for each daily activity, including the times that I would be leaving for work and coming home. Monday morning I woke her up at the exact time we put on the chart, helped her put "her" watch on, and got her dressed. She saw what I was wearing for work, and wanted to wear clothes that were similar. I picked out a pair of black pants and a sweater for her - good thing we had something similar. Then she pointed to my feet and said she wanted to wear "Mommy socks". This is embarrassing, but I am not really the pantyhose type of person. I'll admit it, I regularly wear those granny socks made out of pantyhose material when I wear pants to work. So I had to get out another pair for Dasha to wear with her high-heeled sandals. It worked! She was a little nervous, but not scared. She and the other kids ate breakfast and everyone gave me big hugs and kisses as I walked out the door. I promised to call during the day to check in, and the first call was a little tentative. When I asked Dasha if she was having a fun day with Granny, she didn't answer, and my mom said she was shaking her head "no". Ugh - big knot in my stomach. I got off the phone and prayed a little. Later that afternoon when I called again the story was completely different. The rest of the kids were home from school, they had played on the trampoline, and were then playing at Granny's house. This time, Dasha excitedly picked up the phone and chatted on and on about what she was doing. She was having a great time!!!! When it was time to go, she actually said, "Okay Bye Mommy - I love you Mommy!" My heart almost burst, I was so happy!

The next two days went equally as well. She still wore the watch and Mommy socks, but even the evenings were fine. On my days off on Thursday and Friday, though, things were a little different. I think I got a little bit of payback for such an easy workweek, and we did have some major tantrums. Amber and Mitchell are so patient through these episodes. I know it is really hard for them to watch their new sister acting this way, and even harder to watch their mom responding to the tantrums. What makes it worse is that Jacob and Dasha have this constant battle going for my attention. Literally, they will both pull on my arms in opposite directions. They both want exactly the same thing at exactly the same time. If Jacob is playing with a toy, Dasha wants it right then, and vice versa. No matter what, someone has to go second and that has been causing some major tantrums from both of them. Luckily when one is acting out, the other is being good, but it has not been any fun. Amber and Mitchell were such easy kids when they were little, and I don't remember ever having to deal with this with them, so I am usually at a loss. I try so hard to give special attention to each of them, but it is getting really hard. I know this will just take time until everyone figures out that Mommy has a big enough heart for everyone. Luckily for me, I am married to the perfect husband and father. He has really been spending extra time with Jacob to make him feel special, too.

Saturday night Jeff had planned a special dinner out for just the two of us for my birthday. We had been having a great day as a family with no tantrums or meltdowns, so I figured things were going to go well. My bad - as soon as Dasha saw us getting dressed up to go out, she started to get pretty mad. Turns out it is okay for Mommy to go to work for a few hours three days a week DURING THE DAY, but if Mommy and Daddy want to go out without her at night, look out! My parents are complete and total saints. They saw what was going on, and how we were actually physically struggling with her when they got to our house. They completely took over and let us go out and enjoy our evening. We tried to time it so that it wouldn't be too late or dark when we left, so we actually had reservations at 4:45 at Ruth Chris Steakhouse - my favorite! We had a wonderful time just talking, and then drove around the coast looking at Christmas lights. No one was bickering in the backseat, we could listen to whatever music we wanted to, and we could just enjoy being together. It was heaven!!!! Thank you Mom and Dad and thank you Jeff!!!!!

Sunday was my mom's birthday, and we got to go to church for the first time in a month. Jeff and I brought Dasha in to the main sanctuary to sit with us and my parents. Still too soon to drop her off in Sunday school. Remember how the first time we felt God calling us to adopt, it was while sitting in church watching a kids choir from Africa perform? Well, we have come full circle. On Sunday, Dasha's first time to ever be in a church, a singing group from Africa came to perform. It was so fun to see her smile and clap and dance as they sang. I just kept thinking, "Thank you God, for getting us through the hard parts and getting us to this point." Not that the hard parts are over. They are really just beginning. The message was apparently written for me specifically, so I feel kind of bad that all those other people had to sit in church and listen that day. It was a message about worry. I have been filled with worry for months now about all of this. I am trusting God, but my human side still comes through a lot! We talked about a verse where God tells us that we should not worry and to look to the birds who He feeds without them having to worry. The pastor talked about how birds flying should remind us that God is in control and will take care of us, just as he cares for even the birds in the sky. I looked down at Dasha in the seat next to me. She was busy drawing on the back of an offering envelope. Guess what she was drawing? Birds flying in the sky.

Today is my birthday, and I have been so overwhelmed by all that my family has done for me. The kids all made such cute cards for me and took so much time and effort to make me feel special. Jeff gave me such great gifts, and my mom got me really pretty clothes. I guess today I get to be the princess for a little while. I'll give the crown back to Dasha tonight, though.

Baby Steps

Another week has gone by and we are continuing to make baby steps every day. Some days those steps go forward, and some days they go backwards. The good news is that there seems to be more forward steps than backward steps. Dasha is opening up more and more to us every day. She continues to amaze with her command of the English language already. She really seems to understand almost every thing we say, though I am sure much is lost in translation. This makes it especially difficult when we are trying to say things to comfort her at night when she is most scared and anxious. Nights continue to be very tough for her (and us, as we are not sleeping much these days). I try to keep reminding myself that at the three week point with all of my other children, I was totally sleep-deprived too. Actually, I don't remember ever sleeping much for at least the first six weeks with the other three kids, so I really shouldn't expect this to be much different. This will just take time. All we can do is continue to comfort her and reassure her that she is very safe here. We have developed a pretty elaborate bedtime routine for both Dasha and Jacob that we try to follow to a tee each night. There is comfort in routine. Some nights it works, and some nights not so much, but we will remain consistent.

My "velcro kid", as I sometimes refer to Dasha, is getting a little more courage to venture from my side each day. I have now been able to be out of the house 3 times, once with Jeff home and twice with my mom here. There is definitely anxiety as I leave the house (for her and for me), and actually now she feels comfortable enough with her family to be able to express her displeasure with the situation in a tantrum. Believe it or not, tantrums are a positive first step. She has to trust us enough to show her emotion in order to have a tantrum. Though she is chronologically older, emotionally Dasha is pretty close to the age that she was when she was left at the orphanage, around 2 or 3. Unfortunately for us, we can't treat the tantrums the way we did for the other kids. We can't just have her tantrum it out in her room alone until she is ready to be calm. She has never learned to do that on her own, so for now, we have to stay with her so that she doesn't hurt herself or break something. She has never learned to go to a parent for comfort when she is hurt or mad, so we have to hold her during these times and give praise as soon as she is finished and in control. I have learned to pick up on the clues that a tantrum is just about to start, and have started to just pick her up right then and tell her that I love her - tantrum averted most times!

Enough of the difficult stuff - though we have really rough parts of each day, most of the day is spent with great stuff. Dasha is developing her English vocabulary, and can be heard throughout the house all day long singing, talking and laughing. She is developing a great self esteem, and about 100 times a day I hear "Mommy look me!". She loves to show me whatever she is doing and get praise. This, too, is a very positive step. She is no longer afraid of the dogs, and runs to let them in each morning and evening when they get fed. She has a tiara that came with a cute nightgown that she wears each and every day. She doesn't feel completely dressed until she has her clip in her hair, her pretend silver earrings, her silver-glitter high heeled sandals, and of course, the tiara. We are quite sight in the grocery store. She eats pretty much constantly, and her palate changes about every three days. She is off the fruit hording phase, but still eats at least two tangerines a day and one apple. Now her favorite staple foods are hot dogs and pancakes. I stopped trying to keep up with homemade pancakes and happily go to the store every other day to stock up on frozen ones.

She is also getting pretty good at telling time. I have been working with her with a paper plate and construction paper clock that we move to different times of the day to talk about what happens at different hours. She knows that at 7:45 we take Amber and Mitchell to school, followed by Jacob to preschool. She knows that we get back in the car at 11:40 to pick up Jacob, and she knows that the front door will open at 2:20 and Amber and Mitchell will walk in after school. A few times this week, she came running to me to say "Mommy, 7 now, when 8 then go get Jacob" - translation, the big hand is on the 7, so in five minutes when the big hand is on the 8 (11:40) it will be time to go get Jacob. She does the same thing before Amber and Mitchell get home. Predictability and knowing what is going to happen and at what time has really helped with her fear and anxiety. I have been working on this pretty diligently because tomorrow I have to go back to work part time. I know that this is going to be immensely difficult for her. She will have to experience my going and, most importantly, coming back many, many times before she will start letting herself believe that I am not going to go away for good. This morning I gave her one of my watches, and then we sat down at the table and did a small chart for her. I put clocks in chronological order of the day, starting with the time that Dasha wakes up, including times for breakfast, Mommy going to work, taking kids to school, playing with kids after school, and Mommy coming home. We did a picture of what the clock will look like at each time, and a picture for each activity. She has been reassured over and over that Babushka Granny will stay with her until Mommy comes home. She took the paper with our chart, and we went over it many times. She pointed to each time in order and told me what would happen at each of the events. Then I worked with her a little bit on learning to take deep breaths when she gets scared, mad, and anxious - I am a psych nurse, so I figure I can at least teach her a few techniques for dealing with her feelings. She seemed comfortable with this, and carefully folded the chart and put it in her front pocket. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Dasha also had extensive dental work on Friday. This little girly has had more dental work already than any adult I know. I think we mentioned that we found out that most of her baby teeth had already been pulled. Unfortunately, three more teeth were so badly infected that they had to be pulled, too. She also got a cool silver crown on another tooth. We were able to have the work done in the dentist's office with an anesthesiologist. Lucky for Dasha, she doesn't remember a thing. The anesthesiologist was awesome. He came out to the waiting room to talk to us, and then had Dasha show him how big her muscles were and grip his hands. He used this opportunity to slyly check her veins. Then her had her turn to me and give me a huge hug. She never even felt the small needle that he used to inject her with an anesthetic right there in the waiting room. She was sound asleep within 3 minutes - a site that is easy to watch as a nurse on other patients, but terribly unnerving to watch happen to your child. The anesthesiologist then carried her into the procedure room and had us come back to stay with her, even though she was out. He waited until then to start the IV. The whole process took about an hour, and just before they stopped the anesthesia, they had us come back in the room and placed her on my lap. She woke up on my lap never knowing what happened, and most importantly NOT in pain. That evening she was still a little groggy, so it was a tough night, but she was so cute when whe would go into the bathroom and open her mouth up wide to look in. When she saw the silver crown for the first time, she said "ohhhhh" and showed me. I told her she had a new princess tooth, and she got a huge grin. Turns out her tooth matches her tiara and earrings - good thing! This should be the end of big time dental work for the time being. Now we wait about 6 months for her adult molars to start coming in so she has some teeth in the back of her mouth to chew with. Good thing she likes soft foods - she won't be eating steak any time soon.

We are so fortunate that the issues we are dealing with are really not that big of a deal. Of course, at 2:00 am each night, it feels like our world has exploded and Jeff and I have tried to just put our worries and fears on God, instead of taking them on ourselves. Many children adopted out of orphanages have such severe difficulties attaching to their parents. That is not the case here. Dasha tells us regularly that she is in our family. She gives us hugs and kisses, and loves to draw pictures of her whole family together. Those pictures inevitably have her sweet writing on them with the labels of her family: Mama, Papa, Dasha, Amber, Mitchell, Jacob - all written in Russian. Then she adds a line at the bottom that says "Semye harosho", which means "my family is good".